Do Not Pass Go
by Alfirin1986
Summary: Written as a fill for The Hobbit Kmeme. OP requested a fill centered around what would happen if the company plus Gandalf and Bilbo somehow managed to get their hands on a Monopoly board. Bonus for Kili and Bifur teaming up and taking everyone else down. Super bonus for dwarves that hold onto the grudge of being beaten.


He's gotten used to them all making themselves at home.

These days their company meets to have dinner and circle around a board game instead of maps and old files. Their lives have been pleasantly mundane since they had ousted Smaug and successfully reclaimed the Durin family business from his clutches.

Bilbo has no complaints.

The first to arrive—Dwalin, as it always has been, shows up at half past four when his shift ends at the station and he claims ownership of Bilbo's favorite armchair with a cold beer, half-lidded eyes and a game playing on the telly. There's usually a plate full of cookies ready and if the corner of Dwalin's mouth twitches up when Bilbo sets them down at his elbow he pretends not to notice.

It's always a toss-up as to who arrives next. Sometimes Thorin comes home early, sidling up behind his boyfriend at the stove and kissing beneath his ear while his best friend makes some crude comment that leaves Bilbo blushing and Thorin chuckling. It hadn't been so long ago when that chuckle would have been a scowl.

If it wasn't Thorin then it was Ori and Dori, the latter not letting his younger brother escape his mothering if he could help it. Sometimes they dragged Nori along with them when he had stayed out late the night before and was still abed by the time they were getting ready to leave. If not he arrived later after the street lights had flickered on and the board was laid out on the coffee table, sliding in amidst the laughs and shouts and returning watches and wallets that he nicked with no one being the wiser.

By the time Bilbo made it out of the kitchen with trays of finger food, though if he were honest with himself to this lot everything was finger food, the rest of the group usually was situated in his living room sometimes spilling out onto the back porch, watching the smoke curl up in the dusky sky. Gandalf was the only one missing at this point and after a few minutes of debating about waiting for him the dishes were cleared away and the board was pulled out. Game night was a once-a-month occurrence and the company waited for no man…not even Gandalf.

It wouldn't matter anyway, it never did, because the old man would whisk in through the doorway in his gray tweed coat and shoo Kíli out of his spot before they had finished arguing over who was teamed up and which pair got which token.

"And what game are we playing tonight?" he asks as he settles into his seat.

"Fíli and Kíli have chosen monopoly," Bilbo says.

Gandalf looks at him thoughtfully before he blinks and purses his lips. "Indeed? Well, you haven't begun without me, have you?" Gandalf asks and accepts a glass of wine from Bilbo. He doesn't wait for an answer. "No? Good. I think I shall be the banker today."

That simple declaration sets the whole company into an uproar.

"Oi! I'm always the banker!" Gloin protests, which leads to Oin shouting about being unable to hear him and trying to adjust his hearing aid as the rest join in the argument over banking privileges. Bilbo just huffs out a quiet laugh to himself and goes to fetch another round of ale because by the time the lot of them are done fighting over who is least likely to sneak orange notes into their piles they will all need a refill.

And when Bilbo returns and settles himself at Thorin's feet Gandalf is happily dealing out the fake money while Gloin glowers from across the board, muttering that he must use magic to have stolen that job from him.

"Kíli and Bifur?" Bilbo asks, tilting his face up to Thorin who shrugs. His nephews always pair up, but today Kíli is sitting with the eldest of the Urs and Fíli is smirking from his place beside Nori. Something is up and Bilbo wonders whether he should be concerned at what they might have up their sleeves.

It's another argument when they try to decide who gets to go first but like always it is Thorin who ends it by reminding them that it's Bilbo's house and Bilbo's food, and they all pretend they don't see Gandalf's smile when Thorin drops the dice into his partner's hand, though they all laugh when Kíli's phone makes a suspicious whipping sound effect and Thorin snarls at him.

Bilbo pats his knee before tossing the dice onto the board and with that the game begins.

It starts off innocently enough, but then it always does. Oin and Gloin buy up The Angel Islington, and not to be outdone Dori and Balin land on and purchase Whitechapel Road.

The shouting resumes and the game turns interesting when Fíli and Nori land on the chance slot and wind up with a ticket straight to jail—"HA! HAD TO END UP BEHIND BARS SOMETIME!" Dwalin shouts, and Ori smacks him but covers his smile behind his hand—and Kíli whoops and snatches the dice and trades a fist bump with Bifur. They snatch up Whitehall and Fíli mutters darkly to Nori and the two wait to bail themselves out on their next turn.

Gandalf seems less interested in buying properties than he does in doling out the brightly colored notes and collecting them, while Bilbo would be quite content to purchase a few spots—"Doesn't Vine Street seem nice?" he asks Thorin—and build it up with some hotels. Thorin however is far from content with playing it safe and is not to be outdone by anyone else, so when Bilbo goes outside for a smoke he makes impatient motions at whomevers turn it is so they will hurry through and he can buy up as many properties as he lands on until his other half returns. He'll pay for it when Bilbo sees all the properties they now own and how little cash they have for houses and hotels, but then he always does.

Tonight, though, new alliances have made the board an even fiercer battleground. The middle Ri brother is whispering in Fíli's ear and somewhere in the midst of it all they wind up with some extra £500 notes that no one remembers them getting. Gandalf hums around the end of his pipe that nothing seems to be out of order but the whole thing smells suspicious.

Kíli and Bifur exchange short words in Khuzdul and when Bifur nudges Kíli and gestures to the board the dark haired youth grins like a wild cat.

"_That_ worries me," Bilbo tells Thorin as Kíli's grin only grows wider.

"He's young and overly confident," Thorin assures him. "I'll beat him."

In Thorin's defense he does sometimes win against his nephews, but Bilbo laughs because Thorin likes to conveniently forget that it's almost never at monopoly and they beat him more often than he'd care to admit. It takes another couple of circuits of the board, but when Dori and Balin admit their defeat and head for the back porch he pushes himself to his knees to follow them out. "I'll leave you to it then."

Thorin looks up at him, "You're abandoning me?"

For that he gets a smack to the back of the head then a kiss to his jaw. "Not abandoning you, you twit. I'm _trusting_ you to trounce them for the both of us."

"Do you actually expect him to trounce them?" Balin asks when they're situated beneath the starry sky and lighting their pipes.

"Mahal, no," Bilbo laughs as he holds the match to the end of his pipe. "I thoroughly expect to leave him sulking for the next day but I'd never tell him that."

The three of them laugh as the shouts erupt once more inside.

It doesn't take long before Thorin joins them scowling and Bilbo doesn't ask what happened because Thorin's face says he's in full-on grump mode and nothing will pull him out for a while yet. Bilbo just takes his hand and pulls him to the space he makes as slides over on the settee, handing off his pipe without a word.

Gandalf is next to follow but he says it's because he fancies a bit of fresh air and a break from Gloin insisting that he was slipping Nori and Fíli extra notes. "Save me from their stubbornness," he murmurs around his pipe, but his eyes crinkle with mirth—they don't irritate him as much as they once did. Everyone knows it because he really has no interest in the rules or keeping up with the other's strategies, not that he ever has. "I've rented out my spaces to young Kíli," he says. "I can return if I want, but I might as well leave it to the young and spirited—Thorin I see you've called it an evening."

Thorin is practically vibrating with anger then and Bilbo knows the old coot does it on purpose. If he could kick his friend with any amount of subtlety he would.

"Gandalf, can I get you another glass of wine?" Bilbo asks dryly. Perhaps it will temper his jabs at Thorin. Experience says it won't but one can always hope.

"That would be quite lovely, my dear Bilbo."

He's followed into the kitchen by the closest thing he has to a giant, sulking puppy and he's opening a new bottle of cabernet when there's a sudden outburst from the living room. "YOU CHEATING BASTARD! WHERE'D YOU GET THE PINK FIFTIES?!" That was Fíli.

"Oh that's rich coming from you!" Kíli retorts, and he's laughing, which only makes Fíli angrier. "You two have been suspiciously acquiring notes all night!"

"EVERY NOTE WE HAVE WAS ACQUIRED LEGALLY!" Fíli yells. He looks ready to tackle his brother over the table.

"As were ours," Kíli snickers and leans back to whisper in Bifur's ear as Fíli and Nori turn their backs to plot out their strategy in secret.

"What's going on in here?" Balin asks from the doorway and suddenly all eyes are on the battle unfolding on the coffee table.

"Looks like we might have a battle to the death," Dwalin drawled, "If the lads keep this up, that is."

"You break my table and I'll break you," Bilbo warns them. Dwalin tries to turn his laugh into a cough with little luck and Bilbo snatches the last of the cookies on his plate before the bigger man can take them. "I may be smaller than all of you but don't think I can't take you."

Thorin snaps out of his mood enough to wrap his arms around Bilbo and lean down to press his lips to his partner's ear. "You can take me," he purrs, making Bilbo shiver. It also snaps him into action and he claps his hands together briskly. "Let's get this battle under way, shall we? I have ten pounds that says Kíli and Bifur take the game."

"Uncle Bilbo!" Fíli protests, voice thick with betrayal as his brother cheers and Bifur claps Bilbo on the shoulder. But it sparks a round of betting, which leads to another round of ale and the return of a cookie to Dwalin's outstretched hand.

"No, no, no," Balin shakes his head. "Nori and Fíli own more than half the board. I have twenty that says they take young Kíli and Bifur down with no problem."

"You're underestimating the skill of the Ur family, Balin!" Bofur protests.

"They've got nothing on us!" Dori puffs out his chest and Ori shakes his fist in agreement. "That's right! We'll show 'em!"

They crowd back around the table Bilbo, Bofur and Bombur hovering behind Kíli and Bifur while everyone else, except Thorin, shifts to support Fíli and Nori.

"You're not picking a side?" Bilbo looks up at Thorin.

"The day I choose between my nephews is the day I am no longer worthy of being their uncle," he says stoically and Bilbo snorts at his melodramatic reply. "And it's the day you never hear the end of it?" he suggests and Thorin's glower is enough to tell him that his explanation is the correct one.

Bilbo sets his hands on Kíli's shoulders and the youth is practically purring. He doesn't even break a sweat when they land on Fleet Street and have to pay a smug-looking Nori £1050. They upgrade to hotels on Bow Street on their next turn. Fíli and Nori roll an eleven and miss landing on Mayfair by one square, leaving the middle Ri brother cursing under his breath.

Bofur cheers when Bifur pulls a community chest card that has him collecting £10 for winning second prize in a beauty contest, and that even has the others laughing. He mimes fluffing his mane of hair and shoves the dice across the board.

They circle the board twice more before Bifur takes the dice from Kíli with a significant look, shakes them once and gives them a toss. He lands on the dark blue space that both teams had been holding their breath over. Mayfair is theirs.

"NO! FUCK THIS GAME!" Fíli and Nori shout in unison.

"Is that a resignation you're tendering?" Kíli asks sweetly.

Fíli and Nori don't give up easily though and it takes a stint in jail and landing on Bow Street each circuit of the board, paying out £1900 each time, before the blond Durin is pinching the bridge of his nose and Nori's muttering under his breath with every roll of the dice.

"Alright lads, it's two in the morning," Balin finally announces and Bilbo would have sworn it was just half past ten. "Count up your notes and whoever has the most wins."

Kíli runs a thumb against the edge of the stack he shares with Bifur. "Do we really need to go through the formality of counting? It's obvious we've trounced them."

Fíli launches himself at his brother and the two wrestle around Kíli laughing as his brother tries to hold him down and get him in a headlock. Nori jabs a finger at Bifur, "Next time you're going down!" and gets a retort in Khuzdul, and even though Bilbo doesn't understand the exact words the tone is clear enough to tell him that it was something akin to "I'll believe that when I see it."

It takes some cajoling and elbowing, but once Bofur has collected the winnings on their bets and distributed it between the three of them, with a fair bonus to the players who won them their prizes, everyone is clapping each other on the shoulder or trading hugs. They tug on their coats and say their farewells even though they'll all be in contact before this time tomorrow.

Gandalf gives Bilbo a look that is half amused and half appraising as he heads out the door. He pauses to pat the shorter man on the shoulder. "Lovely evening as usual, my friend. Perhaps next time a game of Taboo, I think that's more up my alley."

With that the old man is off and Bilbo is left staring after him in amusement and bewilderment. _I really shouldn't be surprised,_ he tells himself.

"Be safe!" Bilbo calls as they get into their cars and he waits on the stoop until the tail lights have faded in the distance before turning back inside.

Fíli and Kíli have collapsed on the couch and the board has disappeared back into the hall closet. The sound of dishes being loaded into the dishwasher puts Thorin in the kitchen. "Uncle Bilbo, I still can't believe you picked Kíli over me," Fíli whines when Bilbo finally gets to reclaim his armchair with a grateful sigh.

"I would never choose one of you over the other," Bilbo replies, his eyes closed as he leans his head back. "That was simply choosing a winner. Besides what was with you two?"

"What was with us two what?" Kíli mumbles, his eyes closed in contentment.

Bilbo sits up and looks suspiciously at the two youngest Durins. "Don't give me that nonsense. You two chose the game. You two paired up with Bifur and Nori. What was that all about? Some grand scheme?"

"Grand scheme? You think Kíli here can come up with a grand scheme?" Fíli laughs when Kíli shoots upright with a shout. "I beat you, didn't I?!"

The three sit there in silence; the brothers don't divulge information and Bilbo hasn't the energy to pry it out of them tonight.

He shakes his head at them and pushes himself upright. "Alright lads, since you're content to keep your secrets—though you shouldn't doubt I'll have it out of you eventually—I'll leave you to it. I'm going to collect your sulking uncle and head off to bed."

They're both grinning like they successfully stole cookies from Dwalin when he heads to the kitchen and he's more than a little suspicious, but it won't be until much later that Bilbo figures out what they are up to. And of course that sneaky Gandalf is well and truly involved. He always was a meddler, that one.

He'd give it more thought but in the kitchen there's a brooding giant to distract him.

"Back to moping, I see?"

"I do not _mope_," Thorin retorts.

Bilbo presses his face into the space between Thorin's shoulder blades and smiles. "You do," he corrects. "And when you're especially grumpy you do the dishes." Thorin stiffens in his hold and he continues before he's interrupted. "But that's what I love about you."

"The only thing?"

"Well now you're just fishing," Bilbo scolds, but there's no heat in his words. "There are many things I love about you."

Thorin turns in his arms and pulls him closer, bending down to press his mouth against Bilbo's jaw. "Like?"

"Like how horrible you are at monopoly."

Thorin grumbles and pulls away and Bilbo tugs at him with a laugh. "Come-on you stubborn oaf, I'll clean up the rest of this later. Your nephews are busy scheming so we're in the clear for the moment."

"And if I don't?"

"If you don't then it's straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect £200."

"And what do I get if I do?" Thorin asks even though they both know the answer is right in front of him.

Bilbo grins back over his shoulder. "Me."


End file.
